Six Month Check-in: From Heartache to Healing

When babies are born they go in for a six month check up. The doctor analyzes their cognative and physical development. We continue to have annual check ups as we grow, recieving vaccines to develop immunities to sickness, going to ERs and walk-in clinic for emergancies, and as a girl you get an extra special doctor once you reach a certain age resulting in not one but two physical check ups a year. Today I counted, April to May, June, July, August, September, October; six months. It has been six months since I got my heartbroken, since I learned that the man I thought would marry had begun a relationship with another woman, since I moved out of our apartment and began to live on my own, six months since I last cried, and six months since I began to heal, it seemed like an appropriate time for a check up or rather a check-in.

The process has been long, sometimes painful, but mostly good. No doubt, with the 2014 NFL season in full force and living in Kansas City Chiefs territory, there are constant reminders of him everywhere I turn. I strategically avoid bars on game days, refuse to listen to the radio, and turn past the "sports section" in the KU newspaper not knowing if I might see his face or name staring at me.

Thinking about how I maneuver the world intentionally avoiding all things him got me thinking about emotional control, forgiveness, healing and moving on. Thinking that if I truly forgave him and was truly healed I wouldn't be triggered by all that I have been avoiding. So I have had to ask myself, what does forgiveness look like and do I need to forgive to heal?

I don't know if I have answers for these questions yet and I don't know if I ever will, what I do know is that I have spent the past six months returning to myself. Heartbreak has changed me, for people trying to get close to me it has been challenging as I remain closed off, skeptical, and a tad pessimistic; yet, at the same time I have developed this amazing strength and fearlessness in commanding my voice, naming my wants, and unapologeticlly advocating for what I need- personally, professionally, physically, and emotionally.

While I work to figure out if I am a forgiving person I have always known that I am not a forgetful one. As mother Maya said, "people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel" My sentiments exactly, except with text messaging and social media the words are there, recounting the decietful actions that linger in my memory.

A young man has recently been attempting to "court" me and recognized some of the changes that I had not yet realized were apparent to the outside world. Driving around town, I probably said some mean snarky remark and he quickly, honestly, and sweetly said "I don't know who hurt you in the past but..." the rest of what he said is a blur. He knew, I have been wearing it around, my heartache and it was showing up in the form of sassy disregard, unkind criticism of others, and a closed heart and mind when it came to this young man who just wanted to take me to dinner. So I began to share my story, I told him that one day I was sitting in the jewelry store with an engagement ring on my finger thinking this is going to happen and a month later I am homeless, carless, broke, and alone. So how does healing even begin?

I figured this break up would break me or I would use it as a catalyst for personal growth. I am so grateful for the relationship I had, out of that one I have developed amazing friendships, been a part of a wonderful community, traveled around the country, found the best job, and learned so much about myself. I became complacent and comfortable and this break up forced me into an uncomfortable space where I was either going to fail or take on the world head on. Six months later, I am still broke but I love my job, I have a car, a beautiful home, and wonderful friends. I am writing for the beautiful and equally intelligent Toni Munoz-Hunt, who I would not have met had I not been in this relationship and who I probably wouldn't be working with had I not gone through this break up.

                      

I got to witness the union of my beautiful friend Jaid and her hubby Eric Reid, who I would not know had it not been for my move to California and my unwielding dedication to developing and maintaining friendships. 

I am transforming lives daily in my work at KU, most memorablly thusfar hosting the first KU Women of Color Retreat, which was a necessary and fulfilling space. My job has not just been work but has contributed greatly to my healing; being around people who believe in and understand self-care and self-love as a process of liberation. 

So six months later, the wounds are still there but not as deep. Day by day I become more and more myself. My process of healing from this break-up is intertwined with healing the wounds of my identitiy as a Black woman: broken, alone, damaged and yet so resilient, strong, and beautiful. As I continue my journy towards liberation I know that no pain is in vein, it all will mean something in the end...it has to. 

                          

Model Behaviors: A Documentary Review

I recently had the pleasure of writing a review for the Emmy nominated documentary Brave Miss World  for the wonderful Toni Munoz-Hunt to be featured on her website Model Behaviors. It is so amazing to have space in the world to share the often painful and unheard stories of women who have survived sexual violence, abuse, and rape. Thank you Toni for the space, thank you Linor for sharing your story. 

#iambrave

" In 2013, filmmakers Cecilia Peck and Inbal B. Lessner released Brave Miss World to audiences in hopes of encouraging a global dialogue and ending the silence surrounding sexual assault. The documentary explores the true story of a rape crime survivor, her journey to heal, and the activism that sheds light on the web of shame and secrecy that surrounds sex crimes. The journey begins with Linor Abargil, winner of the Miss World contest in 1997. At 18 years old, and just weeks before being crowned Miss World, Abargil is savagely raped and stabbed by her travel agent while in Milan.  Through sheer determination and quick wit, Abargil is able to convince her attacker that she will not tell anyone what happened, and thus, begins her heroic journey." Read More

For my Jayhawk family, this week is Sexual Assault Awareness Week at KU. There are a few amazing events left so please try to come out and learn how we can do better and be better for our community. 

ROCK CHALK! 

Ray Rice, Domestic Abuse, & Apologies from my Ex-boyfriend

In 2007 I began my freshman year of undergraduate school. I found my friends pretty quickly, found a home in clubs and organizations, and found a love interest in my Latin dance partner.

We moved our relationship from the dance floor and out into the campus spending pretty much every waking and sleeping moment together. Things seem kind of fuzzy and I don't know how it all went from good to bad but at some point I realized I was unhappy. 

He was such a passionate person- and by passionate I mean aggressive and what I would call controlling, but that was a trait of Latino men as I was taught. He would get upset and punch walls, get jealous when I would go out with friends, get in screaming matches which terrified my best friend, or he would give me the silent treatment when I went out (especially if I drank). 

I think my best friend and I were the only ones aware that the relationship was not good for me but I was in it up until Fall semester junior year when I decided to get out. While I was in it I don't think I would have called it an abusive relationship, mostly because I don't know if I was ever really taught what an abusive relationship looked like, but I knew that it wasn't a healthy relationship for sure. 

Everyone around him loved him and when I broke up with him I became the villain. He could do no wrong and I was the hoe who was obviously cheating and interested in other guys on campus, even written about on the campus Anonymous Confession Board (ACB). While yes I was attracted to other people, there was this whole other side of the relationship that no one else saw. 

Almost five years later and today my ex-boyfriend called me to apologize. With all the recent news of the Ray Rice domestic violence situation and the national conversation about abuse and intimate partner violence my ex-boyfriend seems to have embarked on a journey of self-reflection. He mentioned that he had come across the #whyistayed #whyileft hashtag on Twitter and reading those stories realized that not all violence and abuse is physical. He apologized for making me feel unsafe and said that he never intended to be that man. 

We discussed that when you are in the midst of a relationship sometimes it is hard to see the unhealthy aspects until you are out of it. We talked about how young we were and I talked about how manipulated I often felt to be who he wanted me to be...but, he apologized. 

I am thinking how fortunate I am to even hear that apology, even five years later and miles away. A genuine apology from a man who is able to look inside and really reflect on who it is he was, is, and wants to be. For the past two days I have been battling with men who continually defend Ray Rice, who say his wife provoked him, who spend more time on idol worship then standing at the front lines for their sisters and I commend my ex-boyfriend for being able to say "I was wrong and I apologize."

That is the beginning of the work. When we can look in the mirror and see the person capable of being and doing better. When we can stop defending, stop arguing and just say sorry. Apologies go a long way, especially for people who have experienced trauma- in all forms. 

I never asked for an apology, I don't think I ever needed one but being a Black woman has been really challenging in the last couple days and so I take that apology and I am letting it patch the little holes that have been dug into my spirit the last 48 hours. I am taking that apology and I am sharing it with you all in the hopes that it gives us courage to look ourselves in that mirror and reflect on how we can be better. I take that apology and use it as an example of what it means to be human- to admit fault and to grow from it. I take that apology knowing that him picking up that phone after five years was not easy but necessary. I take that apology and I forgive- make no mistake I won't forget... 

But the dances we did still flow through my mind and as bad as things were I won't forget the good either. 

If you are in a domestice abuse situation and need to talk to someone please visit 

http://www.thehotline.org for resources. 

Love & Light