You Tried and Failed: 5 Things to Know for Dating Me

1. COMPLIMENT MY MIND BEFORE MY LOOKS (some of you are struggling with this one)
Blame my grandmother. Ever since I was a little girl my grandmother would politely scold people who would comment on how cute or pretty I was. "Don't tell her that" she would say. Maybe because I spent every waking moment looking at myself in the mirror so the assumption she had was that I was already too into my looks, or maybe she understand that as a young woman I would constantly be judged on my looks and appearance, and for as long as she could control it, wanted my mind to be central as oppose to my body. I carry that with me today. Do I like being told how gorgeous and spectacular I look? Absolutely! Would a conversation on one of my many posts about street harassment, social justice, or identity politics leading to a compliment on how intelligent and interesting I am result in me wanting to potentially jump your metaphorical bone? Possibly/ (probably)

2. I AM A WORKING WOMAN TRYING TO CHANGE THE WORLD
I have goals, dreams, and aspirations which don't include cooking dinner, having babies, or being arm candy. Yes, I do want a family one day. No, that is not all my life will be about. I love the work I do, I love challenging people, having difficult conversations, finding new and amazing ways to impact the world so that one day those babies I may or may not decide to have can live in a world a little better than the one I grew up in. So, dating me requires an understanding that my life will not revolve around my partner (nor should my partners life revolve around me) but rather there be a mutual exchange of support and understanding. I don't know what it is about being an educated career woman that seems to turn off folks but if you can't dig it you can keep it moving. I am being awesome and I need someone who wants to be awesome with me, not dull my awesomeness.

3. MY FAMILY IS EVERYTHING. IF THEY DON'T LIKE YOU I PROBABLY WON'T EITHER

(yes that includes my dog)

My family has never...not EVER, been wrong about anyone I have ever dated. While they will let me learn and figure things out on my own, they are normally correct in their first impressions that a person makes (its like their super 6th sense). If I had listened to them more often I might have been saved from a couple heartaches but that being said as I get older my family's opinions on who I am partnered with is becoming more and more important. If you happen to meet my family 1. feel special and 2. be weary, they can be a judgmental bunch but it is only because they have my best interest at heart (also my dad is a gun owner and I am a daddy's girl- beware).

4. I AM A SOCIAL JUSTICE EDUCATOR AND WILL RAISE MY CHILDREN AS SUCH
I was taught some fucked up shit about people and about myself by my family, society, media, church, etc. I refuse to do that to my children. I want to raise my children to be who they want and to be who they are without fear. I will throw a gender neutral baby shower and will raise my child to understand that gender norms and gender roles are socially constructed (and a bunch of bullshit I might add). I will teach my daughter, as I was taught, that her brain is her best asset and not her ASSset. I will teach my son about the dangers of being Black in America and show them both how to navigate the world with a level of consciousness that will probably surpass many of their peers. If I have a trans child or a gay child I will love them, hard, because I know that even in the 21st century the world will not love them, not that much anyway (but my children will be Black so the world won't really love them regardless of their sexuality or gender identity). I will read them poems by Rumi, listen to speeches by Malcolm X, watch documentaries on slavery, and sing them songs in Spanish. They will be woke, I will be woke, and I need you to be woke too.

5. MONEY CAN'T BUY MY LOVE OR HAPPINESS
Lastly, you cannot buy me. You can't buy my love, my happiness (or my forgiveness *cough cough*) but rather understand that the true measure of my joy will be in the laughs we share, the conversations we have, the struggles we might experience, and the growth of our partnership. Now, that being said I do love going out and having a good time (I'm a retired party animal but on occasion I still indulge) and certainly money does not hurt but it isn't everything. I want to live comfortably but I'll take happiness over comfort any day.

Now, let the courting begin! 

(yes, I said courting)

Six Month Check-in: From Heartache to Healing

When babies are born they go in for a six month check up. The doctor analyzes their cognative and physical development. We continue to have annual check ups as we grow, recieving vaccines to develop immunities to sickness, going to ERs and walk-in clinic for emergancies, and as a girl you get an extra special doctor once you reach a certain age resulting in not one but two physical check ups a year. Today I counted, April to May, June, July, August, September, October; six months. It has been six months since I got my heartbroken, since I learned that the man I thought would marry had begun a relationship with another woman, since I moved out of our apartment and began to live on my own, six months since I last cried, and six months since I began to heal, it seemed like an appropriate time for a check up or rather a check-in.

The process has been long, sometimes painful, but mostly good. No doubt, with the 2014 NFL season in full force and living in Kansas City Chiefs territory, there are constant reminders of him everywhere I turn. I strategically avoid bars on game days, refuse to listen to the radio, and turn past the "sports section" in the KU newspaper not knowing if I might see his face or name staring at me.

Thinking about how I maneuver the world intentionally avoiding all things him got me thinking about emotional control, forgiveness, healing and moving on. Thinking that if I truly forgave him and was truly healed I wouldn't be triggered by all that I have been avoiding. So I have had to ask myself, what does forgiveness look like and do I need to forgive to heal?

I don't know if I have answers for these questions yet and I don't know if I ever will, what I do know is that I have spent the past six months returning to myself. Heartbreak has changed me, for people trying to get close to me it has been challenging as I remain closed off, skeptical, and a tad pessimistic; yet, at the same time I have developed this amazing strength and fearlessness in commanding my voice, naming my wants, and unapologeticlly advocating for what I need- personally, professionally, physically, and emotionally.

While I work to figure out if I am a forgiving person I have always known that I am not a forgetful one. As mother Maya said, "people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel" My sentiments exactly, except with text messaging and social media the words are there, recounting the decietful actions that linger in my memory.

A young man has recently been attempting to "court" me and recognized some of the changes that I had not yet realized were apparent to the outside world. Driving around town, I probably said some mean snarky remark and he quickly, honestly, and sweetly said "I don't know who hurt you in the past but..." the rest of what he said is a blur. He knew, I have been wearing it around, my heartache and it was showing up in the form of sassy disregard, unkind criticism of others, and a closed heart and mind when it came to this young man who just wanted to take me to dinner. So I began to share my story, I told him that one day I was sitting in the jewelry store with an engagement ring on my finger thinking this is going to happen and a month later I am homeless, carless, broke, and alone. So how does healing even begin?

I figured this break up would break me or I would use it as a catalyst for personal growth. I am so grateful for the relationship I had, out of that one I have developed amazing friendships, been a part of a wonderful community, traveled around the country, found the best job, and learned so much about myself. I became complacent and comfortable and this break up forced me into an uncomfortable space where I was either going to fail or take on the world head on. Six months later, I am still broke but I love my job, I have a car, a beautiful home, and wonderful friends. I am writing for the beautiful and equally intelligent Toni Munoz-Hunt, who I would not have met had I not been in this relationship and who I probably wouldn't be working with had I not gone through this break up.

                      

I got to witness the union of my beautiful friend Jaid and her hubby Eric Reid, who I would not know had it not been for my move to California and my unwielding dedication to developing and maintaining friendships. 

I am transforming lives daily in my work at KU, most memorablly thusfar hosting the first KU Women of Color Retreat, which was a necessary and fulfilling space. My job has not just been work but has contributed greatly to my healing; being around people who believe in and understand self-care and self-love as a process of liberation. 

So six months later, the wounds are still there but not as deep. Day by day I become more and more myself. My process of healing from this break-up is intertwined with healing the wounds of my identitiy as a Black woman: broken, alone, damaged and yet so resilient, strong, and beautiful. As I continue my journy towards liberation I know that no pain is in vein, it all will mean something in the end...it has to. 

                          

Model Behaviors: A Documentary Review

I recently had the pleasure of writing a review for the Emmy nominated documentary Brave Miss World  for the wonderful Toni Munoz-Hunt to be featured on her website Model Behaviors. It is so amazing to have space in the world to share the often painful and unheard stories of women who have survived sexual violence, abuse, and rape. Thank you Toni for the space, thank you Linor for sharing your story. 

#iambrave

" In 2013, filmmakers Cecilia Peck and Inbal B. Lessner released Brave Miss World to audiences in hopes of encouraging a global dialogue and ending the silence surrounding sexual assault. The documentary explores the true story of a rape crime survivor, her journey to heal, and the activism that sheds light on the web of shame and secrecy that surrounds sex crimes. The journey begins with Linor Abargil, winner of the Miss World contest in 1997. At 18 years old, and just weeks before being crowned Miss World, Abargil is savagely raped and stabbed by her travel agent while in Milan.  Through sheer determination and quick wit, Abargil is able to convince her attacker that she will not tell anyone what happened, and thus, begins her heroic journey." Read More

For my Jayhawk family, this week is Sexual Assault Awareness Week at KU. There are a few amazing events left so please try to come out and learn how we can do better and be better for our community. 

ROCK CHALK!