My Voice & My Truth

As a young girl I would always tell little lies. I think mostly because I feared I would get in trouble so I would just lie. That habit (yes it became a habit) spread into my personal relationships, I lied about where I was going, who I was with, who I loved - I lied to people, which I discovered recently became a habit of lying to myself.

My lies protected no one, they damaged me, destroyed my relationships, and made my life sad, miserable, and lonely - even when I was partnered. I lied about being happy, I lied about being hurt, I lied about EVERYTHING until my heart was broken so badly and I was left with literally nothing but my voice and my truth.

                      

Someone recently commented on a post of mine saying "you inspire me daily to want to voice my opinions even if people don't agree! i just don't do it as often. But it is something I'm working on." 

Learning how and when to use my voice has been a continual challenging journey. I am often very loud and radical on social media which leads to many people either praising me or being very very uncomfortable with me. What they need to know is that I have dedicated the rest of my life to speaking my truth and using my voice intentionally, purposefully, and unapologetically.

As I reflect on the various ways I have been silenced by others or have silenced myself, I feel as though I am constantly working to reclaim my voice and carve some space for myself, to share my story, experiences, and thoughts. It is not easy, I write boldly but that takes courage, it takes this kind of fearlessness but I think when you are at a point in life when it seems as though you may have lost everything and you realize what remains you develop that fearlessness or fierceness. What I realized was left was my voice and my truth. Those are the things I carry with me always. When my bank account was at "zero", when I had no food in my fridge, no car to drive, no family around, I had my voice and my truth. I found comfort in writing, I found peace in speaking, I found joy in the truth - as painful and haunting it may sometimes be.

I wrote on Facebook the other day that sometimes it is so exhausting being a Black woman and I stand by that, it can be exhausting which is why self-care is so vital to sustaining ourselves. For me, self-care comes in the forms of truth telling. I cannot hold onto lies or excuses in my heart or spirit - they eat at my soul bit by bit until there is nothing left. 

I want to be a voice for those who have not yet discovered theirs but more than that I want to exemplify the undeniable power of the voice of women, specifically women of color. I want us all to speak our truths in our own words and in our own time. I want to inspire and ignite flames in the belly's of those of us itching to scream out:

                              "I AM HERE! SEE ME! HEAR ME! CONSIDER ME!"

I want to be a voice but not the only one. I want to speak loudly but not so loudly that others are afraid. I want to speak boldly with passion so that I might inspire others to do the same.  

To the person who commented on my post and those of you still working towards using your voice, 

Your truth and your voice will last long beyond your days here. You will pass it onto your children and grandchildren. You will share it with your loved ones. It will reach the ears of people you have never met and will never know. Your words, stories, and voice will echo into the hearts and minds of people around the world but first you must speak it, you mustn't fear - at the end of the day what else do you really have? 

Love & Light

Bu's Birthday BUcket List: UPDATE

1. Girls only trip

2. Spa retreat 

3. Learn to make cocktails

4. Tough Mudder

5. 25 letters of appreciation 

6. Music festival 

7. Mardi gras 

8. 25 hour movie marathon 

9. Buy Louboutins 

10. Date night with myself once a month

11. Read 5 books (for pleasure)

12. Crawfish Boil (not broil - I'm so New England)

13. Adopt a rescue dog 

14. 25 random acts of kindness: 7 Down 18 to go! 

15. Winery 

16. Skinny dipping 

17. Save for a piano

18. Gun range 

19. Say "no"

20. Learn to bake 

21. Fall in love 

22. Karaoke 

23. Get a hobby 

24. Road trip

25. Dance in a rain storm 

The Best Worst Year

This year was possibly the most challenging and rewarding year of my life. I entered 2014 thinking I was in love and happy, having felt like I figured out my life and my path and now 2014 is coming to a close and I am more sure than ever of who I am and the journey I am on. I spent most of the year healing, growing, and learning more about myself and the woman that I want to be. I would say "2015 New Year! New Me!" but I have been on this path of becoming and it shall only continue in 2015. I want to close out the year focusing on all the good that happened this year that is setting the stage for what will be an amazing 2015.

                       

1. My boyfriend broke up with me: While for most people this doesn't seem like a "good" it actually set in motion all of the wonderful things that happened to me. I was on my own and had no time to mourn my broken heart but rather used it as a catalyst to be more awesome than ever! Not many women...scratch that...not many people could do what I did and for that I give myself a pat on the back.

2. I got my first apartment (on my own): My very own home, found by me, paid by me, loved by me (and Capone). This was the first time I ever lived alone in my own space and it was a challenging but wonderful experience. Paying my own bills, cooking my own meals, walking around naked, singing in the shower, entertaining guests, hosting family. I learned to be alone but never felt lonely.

3. I fell in love: Check that off of my 25th Birthday BUcket list. Yes. I opened up my heart and fell in love. I didn't realize it was happening until I found out I would be moving but I am happy it did.

4. I became a writer: I would have never considered myself a writer. Sure I have a strong voice and opinion but I never thought anyone would be interested in really hearing what I had to say, or reading it. But! I am an official behaviorist for Model Behaviors writing once a month on social justice issues. I had my first post published for the Student Affairs Collective and of course I have been writing here on my own blog. It is surreal to hear from people across the country that they read and are inspired by the words you write. I feel honored that people feel empowered to use their voice through reading mine.

5. Black women surrounded me: I have had the great pleasure of meeting the most amazing Black women... unapologetic ally Black women, this year. All who use their voice to create change, develop consciousness, and who have certainly inspired me. Tanya Fields, Melissa Harris-Perry, Victoria Rowell, Dominique Christina, Frenchie Davis and more.... in short these women don't give a f--k and I love it!

6. #blacklivesmatter: This movement is the greatest thing I have seen...ever. I have marched along side strangers, chanted with friends, cried, laughed, argued, but this struggle is real, peoples endurance and resilience is inspiring, and I lift up the movement in any and every way that I can.

7. My first professional job: I started working at the University of Kansas in Janurary 6th 2014 (although I missed the first few days while I was home with the flu). This job was the best thing that ever happened to me this year. Not because KU isn't kind of a shitshow but here I got a new family, new friends, I continued to develop my voice, I challenged the system, I challenged myself, I realized I am who I am and professionalism is the White patriarchy trying to tell me to be quiet. I have had the best support system in the world and I will love these people, in this place, in this time always and forever. Rock Chalk!

8. I got my 2nd professional job: THAT'S RIGHT! A little less than a year after joining KU, I am making the bittersweet transition into my 2nd professional job (along with a promotion/title change) returning to my wonderful alma mater Wesleyan University. I am so excited to start 2015 in a new (but old) place as I continue to learn and grow as a professional. Go Wes!

9. SJTI31: talk about healing spaces and family. This experience was right on time and gave me some of the most wonderful people, friends, and family. I couldn't have asked for a better transition into my healing, growth, and voice. I hold that weekend close to me and the people I created everlasting bonds with - they inspire me, keep me, and give me courage constantly.

10. ME: Lastly, me. I am a badass b***h and I don't care who knows it. I feel more myself than I have ever felt in my life. I have endured and outlasted all the hardships of this year. I have done more in 6 months then most people do in a lifetime and I am extremely proud of myself. The universe has blessed me immensely and for that I am eternally grateful. Kind people, good people, worthy people receive love, opportunity, grace - I am glad to be on the right side.

                                                   

Happy New Year!