Tuesday, January 20, 2015

My Voice & My Truth

As a young girl I would always tell little lies. I think mostly because I feared I would get in trouble so I would just lie. That habit (yes it became a habit) spread into my personal relationships, I lied about where I was going, who I was with, who I loved - I lied to people, which I discovered recently became a habit of lying to myself.

My lies protected no one, they damaged me, destroyed my relationships, and made my life sad, miserable, and lonely - even when I was partnered. I lied about being happy, I lied about being hurt, I lied about EVERYTHING until my heart was broken so badly and I was left with literally nothing but my voice and my truth.


Someone recently commented on a post of mine saying "you inspire me daily to want to voice my opinions even if people don't agree! i just don't do it as often. But it is something I'm working on." 

Learning how and when to use my voice has been a continual challenging journey. I am often very loud and radical on social media which leads to many people either praising me or being very very uncomfortable with me. What they need to know is that I have dedicated the rest of my life to speaking my truth and using my voice intentionally, purposefully, and unapologetically.

As I reflect on the various ways I have been silenced by others or have silenced myself, I feel as though I am constantly working to reclaim my voice and carve some space for myself, to share my story, experiences, and thoughts. It is not easy, I write boldly but that takes courage, it takes this kind of fearlessness but I think when you are at a point in life when it seems as though you may have lost everything and you realize what remains you develop that fearlessness or fierceness. What I realized was left was my voice and my truth. Those are the things I carry with me always. When my bank account was at "zero", when I had no food in my fridge, no car to drive, no family around, I had my voice and my truth. I found comfort in writing, I found peace in speaking, I found joy in the truth - as painful and haunting it may sometimes be.

I wrote on Facebook the other day that sometimes it is so exhausting being a Black woman and I stand by that, it can be exhausting which is why self-care is so vital to sustaining ourselves. For me, self-care comes in the forms of truth telling. I cannot hold onto lies or excuses in my heart or spirit - they eat at my soul bit by bit until there is nothing left. 

I want to be a voice for those who have not yet discovered theirs but more than that I want to exemplify the undeniable power of the voice of women, specifically women of color. I want us all to speak our truths in our own words and in our own time. I want to inspire and ignite flames in the belly's of those of us itching to scream out:
                              "I AM HERE! SEE ME! HEAR ME! CONSIDER ME!"
I want to be a voice but not the only one. I want to speak loudly but not so loudly that others are afraid. I want to speak boldly with passion so that I might inspire others to do the same.  

To the person who commented on my post and those of you still working towards using your voice, 

Your truth and your voice will last long beyond your days here. You will pass it onto your children and grandchildren. You will share it with your loved ones. It will reach the ears of people you have never met and will never know. Your words, stories, and voice will echo into the hearts and minds of people around the world but first you must speak it, you mustn't fear - at the end of the day what else do you really have? 

Love & Light

Friday, January 16, 2015

Bu's Birthday BUcket List: UPDATE

1. Girls only trip
2. Spa retreat 
3. Learn to make cocktails
4. Tough Mudder
5. 25 letters of appreciation 
6. Music festival 
7. Mardi gras 
8. 25 hour movie marathon 
9. Buy Louboutins 
10. Date night with myself once a month
11. Read 5 books (for pleasure)
12. Crawfish Boil (not broil - I'm so New England)
13. Adopt a rescue dog 
14. 25 random acts of kindness: 7 Down 18 to go! 
15. Winery 
16. Skinny dipping 
17. Save for a piano
18. Gun range 
19. Say "no"
20. Learn to bake 
21. Fall in love 
22. Karaoke 
23. Get a hobby 
24. Road trip
25. Dance in a rain storm