Tuesday, February 24, 2015

I'm Imperfect. I'm Enough.

I started this blog as a way to hide from what was my quickly declining relationship. This blog was my mask. My way of pretending that I was okay, that my relationship was perfect, and painting the image I wanted to world to see of me and my partner.

Then my relationship ended and that perfect picture blew up in my face. I stepped away for a while not knowing what I had to say, or if I had anything good to contribute to the never ending online forum of blogs, websites, voices, etc.

So I wrote about my breakup, my struggle, my healing, my journey - which became more about using the medium of story telling as a healing process and less about trying to be perfect in the eyes of those reading my blog. I have been giving. Hearing stories of women in my life being cheated on, left by their husbands, partners, alone with children, homes - I compared my loss to theirs and I felt good about where I was in comparison. I had no children, I wasn't ending a marriage, I didn't own a home, it was as clean as a break it could have been for me. But, it still hurt, I struggled in my pain, in the thought of not being good enough, I reflected on my past and if this was possibly karma biting me hard in the ass, and I wrote about it, baring my heart literally to the world.

Living in my truth has been the most liberating things I have done in my entire life. I say transparency is key, hiding is stressful but living in truth, being honest and real, that is so freeing.

Last night I received an anonymous message on the post I wrote about domestic abuse and the apology I received from an ex-boyfriend. An apology and conversation that was healing, meaningful, and an important moment in my life which was then mocked by this person online. This person who tried to justify the way I was treated by my ex by slut-shaming me. I didn't impact me like it would have 5/6 years ago, but what it did do was remind me that not everyone is worthy to hear my story.

I feel sorry for people who live behind anonymity. We all have these beautiful names, faces, hearts, and minds and to live life in secrecy, shaming others is only a reflection of the pain or shame that we internalize, in my opinion.

To the person who commented on my blog,

I feel no shame or humiliation for who I am, who I have been, and who I am becoming. I am learning more and more to embrace my imperfections knowing that I am a human being, I will make mistakes and I will learn and grow from them. Whatever is in your heart that makes you feel like you need to attack other people, I hope you find a way to confront it and change it. At our core I believe we all have the potential to be beautiful, loving, compassionate human beings. One day maybe you will find that in you and live your life courageously and kindly.

I am learning on letting go. So this is me letting go.